Screw you, Geoffrey!

Today I realized that this giraffe and all he stands for is evil. There’s the obvious commercialism and ridiculous toys that don’t engage the minds of children, but there’s also the slightly less obvious, just as insidious, theme song. It began brainwashing me before I had the cognitive capability to fight it. For those of you who can’t remember the theme song or haven’t figured out what I mean yet, I’ll go ahead and confess: I may not be a Toys R Us kid anymore, but I still don’t want to grow up. But it happened. Somewhere along the way, I became a grown up. Yes, I know I’m 28, so physically I’ve been grown up for awhile, and I think it’s finally time for me to accept the fact that I’m an adult. Maybe I resisted because adult, to me, implies a loss of wonder and silliness and T-shirt-wearing and a burden of wearing suits and makeup every day and unending responsibilities.  On the plus side, adults know stuff and have some wisdom, but really, being an adult just seems like a drag.

Hmm…all that seems so silly and childish when I look at it written down, but bear with me, I’m processing here.

This has been on my mind a lot lately because my not-so-new-anymore job has forced me to rethink where I’m at on the adulthood scale, and here’s the thing I just now realized: these constructs of adult, young, old and the idea that they actually have a standard set of parameters that you meet or don’t, it’s all bullshit. There’s just life and experience and the knowledge and wisdom that comes with that. It’s the journey and realizing that things can’t stay the same forever, nor would you want them to. It’s constantly striving and moving toward being who you want to be, being who you are.

I’m at a place right now where I’m thinking about who and what I always thought I would become and looking at who I am and trying to find some reconciliation. Examples:

I thought I would be a writer, a poet, and live an artistic and bohemian life. That didn’t happen for several reasons: I don’t have the determination, I was drawn to jobs that “help people,” and mostly, I have a temperament where I need to know that I have a steady paycheck and health insurance.

I’ve always been a tee shirt and jeans girl who doesn’t wear makeup or do much of anything towards making an effort at my appearance. I always thought it was because I wasn’t into appearances or the look of things (“above all that shallow stuff”) but over the past few years, I’ve realized that I think it was because of my ridiculously low self-esteem. If I make no effort to “look good,” if I wear clothes that are 3 sizes too big, then I don’t have to deal with my body or how I feel about it. Now I have this job where I have to be in public, representing my organization, and I find myself wearing suits that actually fit and makeup and flat-ironing my hair. And it feels nice, kind of a pain in the ass and nothing I’d want to do everyday, but nice. Today I gathered 2 big trash bags full of clothes that were 2 and 3 sizes too big, clothes that were baggy on me 50 pounds ago, to take them to a women’s shelter as soon as I can find one in Austin.

I could give many more examples, but these illustrate the dichotomous thinking that has framed my whole life. Things are black or white, good or bad, spiritual or secular, all or nothing, either/or. It’s just the default way I think. But really there’s a lot of gray in the world, a lot of in-between areas, and a lot of both/and situations. I know this isn’t revolutionary thinking. It’s something that’s obvious to a lot of the world, but it’s something that I have to constantly remind myself of.

Life as a Toys-R-Us kid was simple. Run around, play, have everything taken care of by mom and dad. That’s great and all, but who wants to be 30 years old and still have to ask your mom for permission to watch TV? So I’ll be an adult, who still wears tee shirts but also wears suits, who represents her organization with professionalism and (a semblance of) authority but who still laughs at fart jokes and flips her shit at the sight of a rainbow in the clouds, who wears clothes that fit and is comfortable (and maybe even a little confident) in her own skin, who thinks about the world, her place in it, and what she can do to make things better for those who don’t have all the blessings she has, who wants to change everything all at once but recognizes that real change happens one step at a time, who may not have wanted to grow up but who acknowledges that being grown up doesn’t define or change who she is.

And who is tired of speaking in third person.

I know I haven’t blogged in a hella-long time. Sorry. I suck and I’m awesome. See, look at me, applying what I learned and not doing the either/or thinking. I’m both/and, bitches*.

* used for humorous effect, not personal affront, beeyotch.

fun song, great video

I’m not sure why, but this picture makes me exceedingly happy.

holy disruption

That’s what my pastor calls Lent: a time of holy disruption where we willfully stop ourselves from getting what we want and in doing so, acknowledge that God is drawing us close. Or something like that. It’s basically what the message was about on Sunday. I’m observing Lent this year, and I really mean it. I’ve had half-hearted attempts in the past, but I’ve been praying and trying to prepare myself for the season this time. So I’m giving up desserty-type foods and buying entertainment media (books/dvd’s/music) and taking up at least 5 minutes of silent meditation and journaling daily. I’m putting it out here, and I’ll put it on facebook too, for some accountability. I freaking hate accountability so I know I must be serious.

I want to experience Lent and Easter wholly. In spite of weekly advent services and small group, I completely missed out on the season of Christmas. It wasn’t even that I got caught up in the here-comes-santa-claus consumerism of it instead of Jesus; nope, I didn’t give a crap about that either. Usually I can summon up some seasonal spirit in finding that perfect gift for people, but I totally phoned it in this time. And I feel kinda shitty about that. So I want to focus on what Lent is all about and celebrate on Easter Sunday with my whole heart.

i have a theory

I’ve been thinking about this since the weekend. I’ll flesh out this theory more later, but basically it’s this: some of the best things in life happen just after a pause. So I shouldn’t run from pauses, awkward or otherwise. I’m thinking mainly of pauses in conversation, but I think it applies to other types of pauses too. Sometimes you need a lull in the action to gear up for the great thing. Does this make sense to anyone else? Will this still make sense to me tomorrow? I’ll explain the inspiration behind this fascinating theory soon. Probably. Unless I get distracted by something shiny.

also: This is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. I want books randomly stuck to my walls. And this is the sexiest thing I’ve ever read. Must convince him to fall in love with me and whisper sweet, palindromic nothings in my ear.

a list

I’ve never had one of those “things to do before I die” lists, but I think it’s time I come up with some stuff. A friend of mine was saying that someday, when she’s talking to her kids about her life before them, before marriage, she doesn’t want to say she spent all that time waiting around, she wants to be able to say she had an amazing, full life and have stories to tell them. That’s one reason I want to make a list, but also just because I can. For so long I thought I’d always be limited by the illness. Or maybe that’s a cop-out, I’m more limited by my fears than I ever was by the illness. I was so paralyzed with fear I didn’t even let myself dream about doing things. So to strategically conquer my fears, I’ll work on this list. I’m going to say at least 10 things to do. I want to figure out what adventures I want out of life so I can get on the ball and start seeking them out. And I think at least 5 things should be stuff I can do here or within a day trip’s distance. 2008 will be my year of adventures! Or at least of dreaming about them. It’s a start?

so this is a new year…

2007 was an amazing year. I’ve grown so much and been so blessed. I have a job that I love and allows me to use my talents and interests in practical ways. The management is very supportive and appreciative. Not to mention the fact that what we do makes a difference in the community. I’ve really made an effort to be more social and have let people into my life. I’ve gotten plugged in at a church and made more of an effort to be intentional about being in community with other believers. I’ve had moments where I felt so close to God and moments where I felt completely lost. The best part of the year though was the way I allowed myself to be open to experiences and feelings that I’d always closed myself off from before out of fear of failure or pain. And it wasn’t all rainbows and puppies in the sun. There was pain and some failure, but I experienced it. Also this year I got better about accepting myself and not being so hateful to myself. I actually think some very positive things about myself, which is a new feeling. At the same time, I see how far I still have to go.

Look at all the “I’s” and “me’s” in that paragraph up there. In 2008, I want to build on this year of blessings and amazing things to get outside of myself and be a part of God’s redemptive work in the world, in this city, in my community. He’s given me so much, and I feel so loved. Love does cast out fear. That really clicked in my mind last Sunday at church. We were singing this song that says “If you feel lost and tired, sing along.” We’ve done that song for a year or so, and I remember the first time I heard it. I was lost and tired and completely broken. I heard that song, and I felt a peace flood my heart. It was what let me know that I’d found a church home–a place where people can be lost and tired and still welcome. This time, when I heard that song, I realized I’m not lost or tired; I’m loved, beloved, and can almost rest in that.

As far as I’ve come in the past year, though, I still get it wrong more often than not. I still say the wrong things at the wrong times. When I started to let people in, I was so afraid of getting hurt; I forgot that I could also hurt people. Whether it’s out of wrong information, thoughtlessness, or my pathetic need to be liked, my mouth gets away from me too often. I guess that’s part of the journey though?

If this entry is disjointed, it’s because I wrote most of it about a week ago and this last part just now. I didn’t make any new year’s resolutions, but I’m going to try not to be such a shithead smartass.

beauty and love

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything substantial, and so much has happened, I don’t know where to start.  Rather than trying to catch up, I think I’ll just write some about this new thing I’m working on.  I got about as far as I could with the decrapification, and I’m pretty pleased with the amount of stuff I’ve gotten rid of.  Granted, I still have entirely too much shit, but my hold on materialism has definitely loosened enough to where I feel I can now focus my energies on other areas.  Namely, not being such a negative, cynical person.  For several weeks, my church was doing a series on these “rhythms” or practices (or, dare I say, discipline) that we’ll try to live into as a community.  I’d sum it all up by saying we are to be intentional, something I’ve been working on (well, not so much worked on as thought:  hmm…I really should try to do—oooh! something shiny!)  Things like sharing a meal each week with someone inside the community and someone outside of it, slowing down and being intentional, speak blessings to people, and find 3 “snapshots of beauty” each week (not literal photographs, but stop to note the moments of beauty around you and think on them throughout the week).  When the pastor talked about the beauty thing, I thought it was a great idea and that it sounded like something simple enough that I could do it pretty easily (because God forbid, I do something that’s difficult or requires sacrifice…).  I mean, beauty is everywhere, not mere aesthetic beauty, but those moments that are real and true; I know they’re out there, ripe for the remembering.  The first couple of weeks though, I couldn’t do it.  Seriously, the first time I stopped and thought ok, Jennifer, what are your snapshots of beauty for the week?  I thought for about 5 minutes and couldn’t think of a single one!  I think I ended up deciding I’d seen some cool clouds or something, but really I couldn’t remember any details.  I decided that this was completely pitiful and more a reflection on me—the state of my heart and mind—than any deficiencies in the world around me.  Then one of my friends talked about how she got into the habit of every day writing down 5 blessings in her journal.  So I started doing that.  I haven’t done it every day, but I feel like it’s a start.  If I notice the myriad blessings in my life, then maybe my soul will be primed to notice beauty and the barnacles have crusted over my heart will chip away.  I fully anticipate this to hurt.  One thing I’ve learned this year is the truth of what CS Lewis said about love (I’m pretty sure I’ve posted this before, but whatever I need to hear it again):  “Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”   

helping by clicking

I’m a little skeptical  of this, but what the heck.  Here’s some sites that count clicks and donate to various causes:

http://www.thehungersite.com/
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/
http://www.thechildhealthsite.com/
http://www.theliteracysite.com/
http://www.therainforestsite.com/
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/

And my favorite, a vocabulary quiz that helps people: www.freerice.com

retreat not surrender

It’s been awhile since I’ve had a post of any substance.  This is no exception.  I’m going on the Ecclesia women’s retreat this weekend, and dear God, do I need it.  My head has been all over the place for the past few months, and God has gotten lost in the shuffle much of the time.  I hope to get my head on straight again so I can come back and write lots of interesting posts for you all to read. 

I’m hoping (praying) that this weekend I’ll get some sense of why it’s so damn hard for me to believe that God has a plan for me that is good and that I can trust Him when my life doesn’t make sense or, even more difficult sometimes, when it does. And with that, my lovely readers, I’m off to Cat Spring, TX.