so this is a new year…

2007 was an amazing year. I’ve grown so much and been so blessed. I have a job that I love and allows me to use my talents and interests in practical ways. The management is very supportive and appreciative. Not to mention the fact that what we do makes a difference in the community. I’ve really made an effort to be more social and have let people into my life. I’ve gotten plugged in at a church and made more of an effort to be intentional about being in community with other believers. I’ve had moments where I felt so close to God and moments where I felt completely lost. The best part of the year though was the way I allowed myself to be open to experiences and feelings that I’d always closed myself off from before out of fear of failure or pain. And it wasn’t all rainbows and puppies in the sun. There was pain and some failure, but I experienced it. Also this year I got better about accepting myself and not being so hateful to myself. I actually think some very positive things about myself, which is a new feeling. At the same time, I see how far I still have to go.

Look at all the “I’s” and “me’s” in that paragraph up there. In 2008, I want to build on this year of blessings and amazing things to get outside of myself and be a part of God’s redemptive work in the world, in this city, in my community. He’s given me so much, and I feel so loved. Love does cast out fear. That really clicked in my mind last Sunday at church. We were singing this song that says “If you feel lost and tired, sing along.” We’ve done that song for a year or so, and I remember the first time I heard it. I was lost and tired and completely broken. I heard that song, and I felt a peace flood my heart. It was what let me know that I’d found a church home–a place where people can be lost and tired and still welcome. This time, when I heard that song, I realized I’m not lost or tired; I’m loved, beloved, and can almost rest in that.

As far as I’ve come in the past year, though, I still get it wrong more often than not. I still say the wrong things at the wrong times. When I started to let people in, I was so afraid of getting hurt; I forgot that I could also hurt people. Whether it’s out of wrong information, thoughtlessness, or my pathetic need to be liked, my mouth gets away from me too often. I guess that’s part of the journey though?

If this entry is disjointed, it’s because I wrote most of it about a week ago and this last part just now. I didn’t make any new year’s resolutions, but I’m going to try not to be such a shithead smartass.

~ by Jennifer on January 5, 2008.